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"Patience is bitter, and its fruit is rotten."
—William Blake
7 Ways to Become a More Patient Person.
It's tough to develop patience. The road to self-control and understanding can be so much easier if we can learn to be patient. It's true — impatience leads to short-sightedness and a lackluster performance at work or school. One of the best predictors of success is a patient approach to life. In this article, I'll teach you how to become a more patient person.
1. Don't think of it as a virtue or a skill.
First and foremost, no rule says patience has to be one of your virtues. Virtue is simply a good thing that you're able to do — it's more about who you are than what you do. The same is true of patience. It's not about what you do; it's about who you are.
I know what you're thinking: "But if I don't practice patience, I'll become impatient!" But no. You don't become impatient like that. Patience is simply a trait that you develop over time, like strength or self-control (but unlike power and self-control, patience can be created by anyone). And if you want to be patient, you have to stop thinking of it as a skill. It's not.
The first step is to stop treating patients as some sort of virtue that you're trying to develop. Instead, think of it as a trait that's already there — innate and natural to you. And just like with your personality, this trait can be developed and refined over time — but it'll always remain a part of who you are.
Patience is your default state. You don't need to keep practicing it or keep trying at it. You have to stop being patient by making conscious efforts to be impatient, just as you have to stop being tame by making a conscious effort to be wild.
2. Consider alternate perspectives.
When you're impatient, thinking about other people's perspectives can help you reframe your view of them and what's going on in their minds.
For instance, let's say you and a close friend are planning to go out for dinner. The friend recently committed the cardinal sin of showing up late for dinner — and it wasn't caused by anything he did at all — but by a traffic accident that left him completely stuck in his car for over an hour.
Now, when you think about it, do you believe your friend cares so much about being on time for your dinner that he'd instead be stuck in traffic? Do you think he's going to feel bad about missing a night out with his best friend? Shouldn't he be more concerned about how angry you'll be at him?
The point is, when things don't go the way we expect them to, the people who will get upset are usually the ones who can actually sense that things aren't going as planned. They know things have changed, and they're already thinking about how to deal with it.
The people who think they'll get upset because their plans aren't going the way they expect them to will be the ones who end up feeling terrible — and if we make an effort to consider what other people are really thinking, we can frame our reactions in a much more realistic way.
3. Think about what you're up against.
Patience is hard. It's easy to get frustrated by our environment, especially people who are supposedly on your side, which is why it's essential to look at things from an objective point of view.
For example, let's say you're the one who is late for dinner with a group of friends. You arrive home around midnight and tell your friends what happened. Their responses may include: "Well, you should have called." "You probably shouldn't be spending so much time at work. You should be spending time with us instead." "You must be annoyed that we're hanging out together!"
Now, which of those is the one you're really going to take offense to? The one who was late for dinner due to a traffic accident? Or the one who's just spent five hours at work and is on her way home?
The first response is the real problem; the second response is not really an issue — and we know it.
4. Think about what's at stake.
The crux of patience understands that it doesn't ruin your day when something terrible happens. But if you let yourself think about what's at stake in certain situations, you'll deal with them with far more confidence and composure because they'll then be under your control.
For instance, if your boss is upset with you in the morning, do you really think he'll still be upset with you regarding performance reviews? Or when discussing salary increases? Of course not.
Your boss has to deal with the situation at hand, whether it's the way you were late for lunch or something else. The problem with generalizing your feelings of disappointment is that they lose their power as soon as they become generalized.
5. Put things in perspective.
It can be easy to get caught up by petty annoyances and lose track of the central issues at stake in a given situation. Here are just a few examples of what you may have lost track of:
One time, I was on a business trip in London. As is often the case on trips, I was getting irritated by all the travel-related annoyances. It was so annoying that one evening, I stopped at the nearest pub and ordered a pint on my way back to my hotel. When I finally finished the pint, the bartender handed me a bill for £9.99.
Then I thought, "Oh great. What the hell? I should really complain to management." But what would be the point? They'd never understand. And I knew it, so I gave up and went back to my hotel.
Another time, I was stuck in the middle of a busy road during heavy traffic. I was supposed to get to my appointment at 3 p.m. sharp. And while the traffic jam wasn't my fault, it did cause me to be late for my work.
As I sat there, watching the minutes tick by, I remember thinking about how much time and money people spend getting angry at traffic jams like this one — and all for nothing.
But no matter how much you try to put things in perspective, it's always hard to do so when you're getting annoyed. That's why it's so important to think about what really matters in the big picture.
6. Take responsibility for your actions.
The ultimate cause of impatience is fear — fear of nasty surprises or fear that something terrible will happen that might be your fault. And the only way to get rid of this fear is by taking responsibility for whatever happens, no matter who else is involved.
Consider the following example:
You've made plans to take your girlfriend out for dinner. You arrive at her house at 7 p.m. sharp, but your girlfriend refuses to go with you, even though you've already checked the time twice to make sure it's not too late.
You could very well be frustrated and annoyed. But if you look at this situation from an objective point of view, it's her who's choosing not to go with you — not the other way around. If she decides to break her promises, that's her choice.
So, if you still think it's her fault, ask yourself who's really being unreasonable here.
7. Bear in mind the integrity of your intentions.
When people are upset with you, they can often think they have good reasons to be angry. But the fact is, you really can't predict what someone else will do or believe in a given situation — so these are emotions based on nothing more than assumptions.
The best thing to do when someone is upset with you is to get them to look at what's actually going on. This will help them see the actual cause of their emotions, which will remove the power of their feelings.
Then, if they still feel that they have good reasons for being mad at you, you can say something like this: "Well, I understand how this situation could look unfair to some people. But you have to remember that this wasn't my plan, too. I had my own plans. But this is what happened instead."
When you take responsibility for your actions, people will have a much harder time being angry with you because they'll start to see your position more clearly.
Take a moment to consider what it means to be patient. For most of us, patience is a virtue that we struggle with every day — and the most common reason for this struggle is that we've stopped thinking clearly about our feelings of impatience.
If you're one of those people who is tired of being impatient, I suggest that you try to use these seven tips to your advantage. They have the potential to transform the way you deal with very annoying situations.
The same edge that works for professional success works for personal success as well. It only takes advantage of getting out of our own way and making our lives what we want them to be.