Are You Getting in the Way?

Do you realize your inner voice is the worst? That incessant voice that is always criticizing you, always pointing out what's wrong and never giving you a break. The voice that makes self-doubt seep into everything you do like icky spider webs, until it seems like nothing could ever be good enough. If this sounds familiar, we have some good news for you: it's time to adopt a new inner monologue! You can learn how to "hear" your own words with compassion and kindness in our upcoming blog post.

The truth is you deserve better than this nasty little person who loves nothing more than ripping your self-esteem to shreds.

You deserve to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend and lover. You deserve a kind, nurturing voice that celebrates your efforts and applauds your accomplishments.

Here's how:

Step 1: Step back and observe

The first step in letting go of that nasty inner monologue is becoming aware of it. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself during the day. Notice when you're saying negative things or making harsh judgments. Are you calling yourself stupid? Fat? Horrible? When we notice these thoughts, we can begin the process of letting them go.

Step 2: Stop and take a breath

Whether you're in the midst of an internal conversation or not, stop yourself from saying anything negative. As soon as you realize that you're thinking "I'm so stupid!" or "Why can't I do anything right?" take a moment to breathe. Imagine inhaling through your nose and exhaling out of your mouth. Keep breathing until the negative thought passes or until you feel a bit more calm, at which point you can continue with that original thought and move on.

Step 3: Reframe the thought in a positive way

Next imagine the inner voice in your head is telling you something positive instead of something negative. It could be "I'm going to work on this project instead of reading that book" or "I have a lot on my plate right now, but I can handle all of it and still have time for a workout."

If you're struggling to find the right words, think about the kind things your friends or family would say to you. As soon as you find something that resonates with you, grab it and use it as inspiration.

Step 4: Replace the thought with "good feelings"

Finally, when you feel comfortable doing so, replace the negative thought with a positive one. You might say something like "Just remember that there are people who love you and care about you and want the best for you. There are many people around you who are dedicated to helping you live the life you have always wanted."

Here's an example of how this might go for me:

"I'm such a loser. I can't do anything right. My whole family is so screwed up and I'm dumb as dirt." I think to myself. "My mom makes me feel bad all the time, my dad barely talks to me, and my sister is so selfish she can't even read anymore." "There are so many people who love me! Like my friend Mary Jane, who will be here in five minutes to help me with this project. Or my other friend Jimmy, who I can talk to about anything. Or my cousin Cindy, who always helps me out with projects at work. Or my brother Tom, who always picks up my slack when I'm tired from running. I'm so lucky to have such a great support system!"

You get the idea. This may feel uncomfortable at first and you may feel silly or like you're overreacting. But that's totally normal and ok! It takes time to identify your inner voice and learn how to speak kindly to yourself, so don't be discouraged if this doesn't happen right away. With practice and patience, you'll start to see progress and feel warmer toward yourself.

Once you've identified the negative thoughts going on in your head, learning how to let the nasty ones go is a very important skill to develop. Without this skill, it's much more likely that all the criticism we dish out to ourselves will pile up and eventually make us feel like we can't do anything right. Instead of feeling like a nice person who's giving others great advice or making meaningful contributions, we tend to become riddled with guilt and self-doubt about our abilities and accomplishments. Once this happens, giving ourselves permission to be kind to ourselves becomes much more difficult.

So if you're not already doing so, start to notice when you're being mean to yourself and learn how to put an end to it. Remember, the next time your inner voice starts telling you that "you look like crap" or "you did a stupid thing" or whatever mean thing it comes up with, stop for a moment and take a break. Breathe for a second and listen for what's really being said. Chances are your inner critic is just trying to keep you small and quiet in order to maintain its negative grip on your life. But don't let it drag you down! You deserve better than that voice, better than that image of yourself floating around in your head. You deserve to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.

By Jennifer Pate, Ph.D., LPC

Are You Getting in the Way?

Are You Getting in the Way?

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