Love Is The Answer (Sounds Trite But It's True)
This is a post about love as a long-term strategy.
Important to note: this is not a post about being in love, or falling in love, or loving someone else. This is all about the type of relentless persistence that it takes to grow from being "in" to "loving." Love as an investment. Love as fuel for the long haul.
Love often gets framed as some esoteric, ethereal idea that's too complicated and intangible for most people to grasp; but it doesn't have to be like this — and frankly, it shouldn’t be like this.
As I say in the article, love is a skill. It's a set of habits and attitudes you develop by facing down adversity every day; by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to become better — not just as you are, but as you will be years from now. This article is not about that. Instead, it's about the skills you need to move from "in love" to "in love with."
So this post isn't designed to be some kind of make-love-not-war message ("oh, it's okay if you don't really like him/her/them; it doesn't matter because he/she is just what you've been looking for"). This is what I mean when I say that love is a skill — it's not a talent or a feeling to be developed for its own sake. It's about having something worth working for and deriving meaning from (and in my case, it's also about having something I can work toward that isn't just my career).
This article is about the benefits of being "in love with," and why burying your nose in someone else’s neck and saying “I love you” can be one of the most powerful ways to stay on track with your goals.
S a m e s i d e ,
M i c h a e l C o r t e z
P.S. Who is this article aimed at? I think it's really for anyone who has ever loved (or wanted to love), or who feels that they haven't tapped into the potential that love has to offer. There's a lot of potential for personal development and growth in this area, and we often don't realize it until it's too late.
P.P.S. If you feel that love doesn't really matter to you, or if the idea of having a "relationship" makes you recoil in horror, then this might not be for you. I could just as well be reading this to myself every day when I want to be happy, and you wouldn't even notice it. But if you're like me and feel that something's missing on your life path, then I think you'll find a lot to use here.
P.P.P.S. Have you seen the book The Art of Loving? It's a beautiful, insightful guide to being in love (not just being in love as an investment). I really enjoyed reading it and finding something useful in it every time I picked it up.
The End
Love Is the Answer (Sounds Trite But It's True)
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions...
— Woody Allen.
Introduction
The idea of love as a skill is something that I’ve struggled with for years, and it’s hard to pin down an exact moment when it became an important part of my life. It’s definitely something I learned by doing more than by being told. If anything, this is how I learned what love really means: not from literature, not from films (in fact, quite the opposite), but from seeing how my parents loved each other and later how my wife and I loved each other in a way that couldn’t be expressed in a quote or a song.
One of my earliest experiences with love was in learning to like myself. People I knew thought it was “cute” that I would fast from school, spend the day reading in a tree, and then come home to do additional reading. As much as they meant well, they weren’t helping me learn to love myself; they were just reinforcing that being different wasn’t okay. It took a confrontation with my parents for me to change (at least in some ways).
I was lucky to have parents that were always encouraging, even if they didn’t understand why I’d do something. My mother tried to get me to feel like I wasn’t actually going against what they wanted, while my father simply said he respected my individuality (even when he didn’t like it!). Still, I think that talking with them about what I wanted and needed was important in helping me feel like my family was an environment where I could grow.
The first time love struck me, it was at a young age. She was pretty and a great dancer; she had style, but most of all she loved me back. She was the first person who really saw me. I remember lying against her body and feeling her heart beating. She was warm and soft, but also hard and vigorous — like a man’s body, I suppose — and she held me to her at an angle that felt like an embrace (and not a hug).
Later, I found that it was easier to love people when they said things I agreed with or when they showed some interest in who I was and what I liked. When people did these things, it sent a message that they really cared about me; it made me feel important. Not being able to do this made me feel insecure.
Someone I didn’t understand also made me feel loved; quite the opposite of what I had always felt when someone didn’t like my choices or who I was. It hurts to know that someone you love doesn’t understand you, but love involves at least some sacrifice — it involves giving up your own needs and wants so that your lover can feel cared for, secure, and happy.
I learned in my later years of high school and beyond that sharing love with others is an important skill in life — not just for romantic relationships, but for friendships and social groups as well.
Conclusion
Love Is Worth Fighting For
I was fortunate in that I grew up in a caring environment. It wasn’t perfect; there were times when I felt embarrassed or self-conscious because of what they did, but they always made it clear that they loved me and wanted me to be happy. There were times when this caused trouble for me at home, but overall I learned early on that love is something worth fighting for. I still feel the same way today — at least about my family and them knowing how much I care about them.
Not everyone learns to love at home; sometimes people learn it through books or by doing things that others find bizarre.