A Lesson In Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where an individual leads the victim to question themselves, their memories and their reality.
Gaslighting can happen to anyone at any time with or without intention. It's hard to spot because gaslighters are masters of manipulation, twisting the truth and leaving you second guessing yourself. Gaslighting is used by narcissists and sociopaths to maintain psychological control over their victim.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where an individual leads the victim to question themselves, their memories and their reality. Gaslighting creates a feeling of helplessness in the victim, often leaving them feeling confused and scared.
While it is important to learn how to spot gaslighting so you can end this cycle of abuse, it's important to be aware that these behaviors aren't always deliberate on the part of the abuser. Psychologist's use the term gaslighting in a wider sense than just manipulation; this is because gaslighters are not malicious or focused on hurting others for personal gain or control.
In fact, gaslighters often do not realize that they are participating in gaslighting behavior; they are simply responding to their own thoughts and emotions. Some common examples of gaslighting include:
Name calling and blaming.
Dismissing what you say as unimportant or silly.
Stonewalling - intentionally withdrawing from a conversation by refusing to listen or respond.
Diverting the subject - steering the topic away from an uncomfortable truth, when challenged with facts presented by the victim, a tactic often used to change the subject from something more threatening like emotional issues in their past.
Trivializing an important issue, to protect their own ego.
Not showing up at scheduled times.
Pointing out your flaws and failures as a way to make you feel small.
Being unavailable when you need them most.
Minimizing or denying your thoughts and feelings.
Flip-flopping on issues of importance, or even sensitive topics.
Iceberging - drawing out significant issues to build suspense and drama, then delivering a threatening comment to the victim which is ambiguous enough to leave them wondering if the abuser will actually deliver or if the comment was just a scare tactic.
Gaslighting generally starts off with minor acts that slowly escalate into more serious acts. The pattern is often hard to see because it happens so subtly at first. Gaslighters may even feign ignorance in order to draw you out of denial and into a more vulnerable state, making it easier for them to continue their abuse.
When a gaslighter does not get their way or if they feel insecure, they may turn to gaslighting and other abusive tactics to control you. When you try to force them to see the truth about their behavior and their motives for acting the way they do, it can cause an even bigger conflict and escalate into a full blown fight.
Do not attempt to confront a gaslighter at this point, because it will only escalate the situation further. Stay calm and breathe deeply. Don't respond right away but take some time to consider how you want your relationship with this person to be in the future.
Once you've decided on a course of action, communicate clearly in terms of timelines and deadlines. Make sure the gaslighter understands how you expect things to look in the future. Keep calm and don't allow them to provoke you into a fight.
Work out why they seem to feel the need to control your emotions and your actions with gaslighting. Is it because there is some childhood wound or trauma that triggered them? If so, write down everything that is keeping you from healing these issues. It helps if you can release this information without any blame or accusations being thrown around, simply letting it be known that there are unresolved feelings or traumatic events causing confusion.
If you can communicate honestly with your gaslighter about any perceived problems, and if they are willing to try and understand their actions, things should start to improve. If you can forgive the person for any hurtful words or behaviors, it will help them also let go of their self-imposed anger.
If your gaslighter is not willing to discuss these issues with you, do not allow yourself to be manipulated into feeling bad for them. They may resort to more extreme tactics like name calling or accusing you of being mentally unstable when shown the truth of the matter. If they react too violently or if they are using other abusive tactics in addition to gaslighting, it is time to consider breaking off all contact completely.
In Summary...
No matter what the reason, if you are being gaslighted, it is important to understand that the gaslighter is not intentionally harming you or using this method to manipulate you. They may be triggering painful memories and wounds from their own past and have no idea how they are affecting your emotions.
Gaslighting doesn't occur in isolation; it occurs in a web of abuse which may include physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse and emotional abuse. It's important that you seek help from a professional who specializes in trauma related issues like codependence and trauma recovery.
There is hope for overcoming gaslighting and changing the way you react in the future. It can be hard to do this on your own, but working with a professional will help you walk through this traumatic experience without the risks of becoming even more traumatized or experiencing further emotional abuse.
Remember, it's not your fault if you are being gaslighted, just as it's not your fault if you are experiencing abuse from someone else. You may have been manipulated into feeling that it was your fault, but this is a tactic used by abusers to control others by making them feel inferior or unworthy.
Conclusion
Finally, remember that it is not your job to fix the behavior of the gaslighter. You can't change them or control how they think, but you can control how you react and choose who you let into your life in the future.
You are free to release any and all meaningful relationships if need be and begin working on yourself. Underneath their abuse lies a wounded soul, just like we all have many times in our lives. Work on healing your own emotional wounds and remember that even though this person has hurt you, at one time they were probably hurting too or have had their own bad experiences in life.