Alcohol Addiction — What Were You Up To Last Night?
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I have a drinking problem. It's not so much that I'm an alcoholic — although that is possible too — but more so that my friends and family will tell you how often I go out for drinks, despite the clear evidence of my marks from previous years on what is known as the PPI (Problematic Public Image Index).
Besides... just one or two drinks a night isn't going to hurt anyone. Right?
Well, it turns out this decision may have some unintended side effects... Furthermore, according to the Huffington Post: "Many people who pick up alcohol in their teenage years become addicted and experience hangovers. The good news is that this is the time when the brain is still developing and there are many new neural pathways being formed. So, recovery from alcohol and drug addiction becomes easier as time goes by."
So it's important to know what you were doing last night. Actually, I don't think I need to know what you were doing last night. I already have enough evidence on the PPI to guess with a great degree of certainty that you went out for drinks.
I'm not angry about this. I just wanted to share with you what it's like being me.
This post was inspired by a couple of emails from readers who thought my recent post I Am Now Experiencing The Glowing Effect Of Being A Senior Citizen would read better if I were able to refer to myself in the third-person, as in: "It's ironic that I can afford my retirement plan, but am unable to enjoy it since a pack of cigarettes costs more than my monthly payment."
Anyway, let me tell you what was going on with my friend last night...
If you want to be a writer, I recommend drinking two beers before you begin to write.
Last night, my girlfriend and I were at a lounge with several friends. There was a guy there who had just started kindergarten or something like that. By the way... if your kids are home-schooled then they're fucked in 20 years when they can't get a job because they have nothing to put on their resume. Take your kids out of school now! Anyway... it was kind of weird the way that this guy seemed so comfortable with the concept of drinking beer — as if he's been doing it his entire life.
It's like he's never seen a beer before and isn't sure if it's food or drink, like what does one do with a beer?
How does one go about holding it, for example?
I want to tell this kid that I remember being his age and how things were much different back then. For example... I used to be that guy at the bar who would awkwardly hold a beer in his hand while having no idea what to do with it. I felt embarrassed that I was holding this thing called a beer (beer ). My friends and I would all hover around each other during the entire duration of our drinking session, pretending not to notice the fact we knew nothing about having drinks at a bar.
For example:
At the time, I thought I would drink it. I bought it so that's what I was going to do. But then I'd look into their eyes and notice the disdainful manner in which they held their beers... arms crossed, looking away from me.
I was a beer poser. I just assumed it would be okay if I pretended to drink it, but it wasn't. So I would set the beer down in front of myself and hold it like a basketball, as if someone was about to steal my prized possession.
Here's why this is funny... that's what the 19 -year-old kid who recently started kindergarten is doing right now... with his pretend beer. "What?! You mean this isn't food? It tastes good, so obviously you're supposed to eat it!"
I've been there, dude. I know exactly what you think you're going to do with that beer. You'll drink it, right? It's okay. I won't tell anyone.
But I'm afraid my friend almost did something to ruin my sense of humor last night... Here's a true story — this is exactly what happened:
My friend came over and sat down next to me at the bar. He leaned forward and said, "Have you seen the PPI of this kid?"
I think he was trying to be funny. Then he nodded in the direction of our 19 -year-old buddy who had his pretend beer set on its side like he was about to serve a ball in a game of Chubby Cherub .
I know what you're thinking: "Okay, this guy is starting to sound like a douche to me." I'm not one to talk, believe me. I will do anything to avoid talking about my drinking problem and pretend I don't have one. So please forgive me for my inability to handle the topic of alcohol consumption.
Here's something else that's funny... Our 19 -year-old friend is pretending that he has no idea what the PPI of our friend is saying, but he did have an inkling of what was coming next... "Oh yeah..." he said as if there was no doubt that my friend was trying to talk about him. "Oh yeah, that kid's an alcoholic..."
I just looked at him, as if to say "You're crazy." I think he sensed my irritation and replied with a smirk. His smirk told me that he was aware of exactly what was going on... but he was playing dumb. My response made him smile more. He got what he wanted; he knew I knew about the kid's drinking problem.
Well, our friend went up to the kid and said to him in a very stern voice: "Your drink is not an alcoholic drink. It is a pretend drink. It is not the same thing."
Our friend then held up his beer in the air and pretended he was about to serve me a grape... I mean, serve a pretend beer.
I want to believe that this friend's behavior wasn't completely out of character. Our relationship has been a bit tense lately. We're not great friends; I've been trying to get him to tone it down with his drinking — it's not healthy for him. But he doesn't seem to know how bad things have gotten; he thought he was being funny by talking about my PPI... I explained to him that I would never drink something that cost more than what my monthly payment is.
Conclusion: You shouldn't try to be funny when you're trying to lie.
If you must try to be funny, pick something that doesn't require an explanation.
Here's what I recommend if your friend wants to tell you that your drink is alcoholic... just get up and walk out of the bar. Let him practice his deeds in front of the mirror in his room until he gets it right. Or... better yet... but don't drink anything while observing him in action.
Read more from NoObvious at NoObvious Blog on Medium.