An Attitude Change Is The Biggest Change You Will Ever Make
"Action is the real measure of character. " -- Benjamin Franklin
Change is difficult, and sometimes it’s best to rely on a little bit of help when things get tough. You need to find someone who has gone through what you are going through and seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Who better to turn to than Stanley Hauerwas, author of "Affective Communion: The Power of Affective Thinking in Christian Ethics". If you haven't heard this name before, that's understandable- he wasn't even on Oprah's list for 2018! But don't worry- his book was published 20 years ago and its message is still relevant today. In it, Hauerwas gives readers a place to start when struggling to accept that change is necessary.
Trying to make a change, especially a change in an inner belief, is hard. We want what we already believe in to be true, and we want our evaluations of the world around us to match. But the truth is that sometimes our beliefs are wrong. And sometimes those around us who seem so convinced of the veracity of their beliefs aren't really right either- they may just have great social capital, which can be established over time with certain types of people.
In writing this article I was reminded of my own struggles as I started developing new attitudes toward others and myself. And I was reminded of the times when I’ve had to accept change in my own thinking. The process of acceptance is difficult, but necessary if you want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And accepting change is a bit like an exercise in trust- it can be difficult to let go of certain beliefs, but it’s also vital for true progress.
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"So often we make our selves smaller by holding onto everything that has worked in the past." -- Stanley Hauerwas, "Affective Communion"
Stanley Hauerwas doesn't get Oprah's attention because he never got his first kiss on her show. But if you want to learn about how to change your attitude, take a peak into his book "Affective Communion".
Hauerwas is a theologian, meaning he studies the nature of God and the church. And while that may not seem related to a blog on improving your attitude, it's actually quite key. You see, Hauerwas thinks that spiritual communion is like an ongoing conversation- one in which we pay attention to what others have said in order to guide our own responses.
Hauerwas uses this idea of communication as the framework for his book. Most people try to change their attitudes by thinking about their beliefs and behaviors all on their own. But by doing so, they miss out on the power that other people have to change our thinking. We ignore everyone who has ever influenced us and act like they had no impact on our beliefs and values.
In some cases this kind of self-reliance makes sense. A decision to become a vegetarian would be pretty difficult for me if I never ate meat before, or if I never even heard about eating meat. But believe it or not, there are many decisions that we make everyday based on the values of others- especially in regard to how we treat others (i.e., "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you").
Hauerwas argues that our decisions can only be considered ethical if they are based in the values of others. Because we gain so much from those around us- through their influence, through their love and care, and through their knowledge and wisdom. We may not be able to express just how thankful we are, but at least we can acknowledge our debt to them (and honor them by practicing gratitude).
On the other hand, when making decisions on our own, with no input from anyone else (or maybe just a very limited amount of input), we will likely make poor choices. We'll think about what is best for us or what might make us look good in the eyes of others. We'll make decisions based on our own feelings and beliefs. And we'll ignore or write off feedback or input that seem to contradict our beliefs or make us feel uncomfortable.
As Stanley Hauerwas said in "Affective Communion" , "So often we make our selves smaller by holding onto everything that has worked in the past." This is because change is so hard, and it's so easy to rely on the advice of others that have made similar changes before us. But does this mean we should give up? Of course not! We can hold onto things for a time, but then must let go- at least regarding certain parts of our lives (or perhaps certain beliefs). But if we're ready to change, then we need to trust that there are better options out there.
Here's some help:
In my own growth as a Christian I have relied on Christians that I respect and respect the message of Christ. To me, this is not a weakness; it's a strength. But it's time to let go of the baggage that was holding me back from change.
That may be hard, but it will be worth it in the end (i.e., eventually), and anyone who has done what you want to do will tell you how hard it can be at certain times. And if you approach a person who has done what you want to do, and ask for their advice, you're more likely to get the help that you need.
If you're ready to change, then turn to Stanley Hauerwas. If someone can help me change and keep it real with me, I'm going to listen! And if someone can help me with something else that's important to me- even better! (i.e., my hair, my faith, etc.) As Stan says in his book "Affective Communion": "Those who care about us invite us into their affectivity." But not just any affectivity- theirs. Maybe it's worth giving up control, in order to gain knowledge.
To sum up:
Instead of distrusting others (and their influence) and believing you can make better choices without them, trust those around you and their ability to influence your thinking. Then listen to them. But don't just listen- hear what they have to say. And if you want to grow further, open yourself up not just to advice, but also complaints. If you're going to live a life of love, then let everyone else get in on the action (even if they may complain at first). After all, you can't please everyone all the time. But if everyone is willing to open up and listen to others, maybe you can learn to influence them as they influence you. Then run with that feeling! Go out and start making choices based on what your friends think is better, rather than what it's comfortable for you. And if they're really your friends then they'll be there with you until the end (or at least until the next change).
If you know someone who needs some help improving their attitude, send them this blog (just kidding). But seriously- tell them about Stanley Hauerwas' book "Affective Communion" .
Conclusion: Take Charge of Your Life!
We all struggle with some level of attitude- problem. If you're trying to improve your attitude, then I hope this blog has helped you think a little differently and see the possibilities that are available to you. And if you know someone who is going through tough times, then encourage them with some cool things I learned.
But, most importantly, don't give up! Keep pushing forward and keep loving others. Even when it seems hard- even when it seems impossible at times, there's always a better choice out there (and even if they don't know it yet, those around us are looking out for us).