Anger Management, The Best Way Is Not Always The Hard Way
Anger management is one of the most difficult and demanding tasks that people have to face. It takes a lot of effort, time and patience. But if you are serious about managing your anger then read on for some helpful hints.
Anger management is not always easy, but it is well worth the effort. If you are going to be assertive, anger management is a must if you want to get what you want. Your self-esteem and peace of mind depend on it!
There are two approaches that can be taken when dealing with anger management: the hard way and the easy way. The easy way is a lot easier than the hard way. What I mean by this is that you can either beat yourself up for every angry outburst or event, or you can learn to accept responsibility and change how you think.
The hard-way approach consists of taking responsibility for your actions when angry, but beating yourself up for each and every action or thought throughout the day until one of them finally sticks (by analyzing each one). This does not work. If you beat yourself up for every thought, you will just continue to beat yourself up. You can only do this for so long before your self-esteem gets totally destroyed and you feel worse than ever.
On the other hand, the easy way is much better. It involves accepting responsibility and making a firm decision to change your thought patterns and behaviors that lead to anger and arguing. When you take responsibility for your actions, it is easier to change how often you get angry or angry at others by changing the way you think about things (and those around you). It is also easier to refuse to argue with others when they make unreasonable requests because the fear of getting angry is no longer there.
If you have problems with anger management, it is because you have not taken full responsibility for your actions (or thoughts and verbalizations when angry) and have not made a firm decision to change yourself. If this is the case, do something good for yourself: take immediate action and make the decision to change how you respond to anger in the best way possible.
First, remember that there are two types of reactions that lead to irrational anger (the kind of anger that does not get anything accomplished). The first type is Anger-Reaction. In this case, you feel angry and then react by either verbally or physically attacking someone else. The second type is Anger-Driven Reactivity. Here, you feel reactive (unsafe, threatened or frustrated) and then become angry.
Let's look at these two types in a bit more detail. In the case of Anger-Reaction, you can either attack someone verbally or physically when angry. Sometimes this reaction is justified (as in when you are disrespected), but sometimes it's not (as in when your self-respect is affected by someone else). Either way, you will be in trouble because your behavior is no longer under your control. You have a choice to make: You must either begin taking full responsibility for your actions and refuse to let yourself get angry or react out of anger, or keep on doing what you are doing and continue to be miserable.
In the case of Anger-Driven Reactivity, you automatically react to a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or threatened. The problem here is that you simply refuse to accept responsibility for your actions. Therefore, when someone forces your hand and makes you angry at them, you will continue with your reactive behavior (i.e. talk, arguing and/or fighting) until someone stops you! Do that!
Now let me tell you the best way to handle anger: It's all about accepting responsibility for making a decision to change how you react when angry. I have seen thousands of people who have tried to beat themselves up for their behavior or thoughts in relation to anger and haven't been able to make any improvement whatsoever. I have also seen thousands of others who have refused to take responsibility for their actions and refuse to let themselves get angry or react out of anger.
When you take charge, the best way to handle anger is by taking action and refusing to let yourself be controlled by anger. There is always a way to stop yourself from getting angry or reacting out of anger. As soon as you realize this, you will find that it's much easier for you to accept responsibility for your actions and decide how best to handle them in the future.
Examples of ways to control your anger:
- Think about how you will explain your behavior or thoughts to others who need to know how you feel. Plan out how you can get your point across while maintaining self respect.
- Remind yourself that the other person's behavior is not a reflection on you, so there is no reason for you to be angry at them. Then, decide what action you want to take and refuse to let yourself get angry at the other person. Remind yourself that there's no need for comfort and security when faced with someone else's actions that make you feel uncomfortable.
- Write a letter to someone you are angry with, and refuse to let yourself be controlled by anger. This is especially useful if you have been denied or ignored by someone who has hurt your feelings. Ask them directly for an explanation of their behavior and decide what response is needed from you in order to move forward with the confrontation.
- Think about why you are getting angry at the other person (e.g. what has happened), and plan out how best to get your point across without being disrespectful or rude, even if this means removing yourself from the situation for a short time (for example: walk out of the office for some fresh air).
- Calm yourself down by taking deep breathes and reminding yourself that the other person's behavior is not the end of the world. Choose to be happy, and let them know in a calm way that you disagree with their decision or actions.
- Think about what you "want" from others and decide how best to go about getting it without attacking someone else or being mean. (For example: Sometimes all we want is to be acknowledged by someone. In this case, take action by telling someone directly how you feel.)
When it comes right down to it, handling anger effectively is all about refusing to allow yourself to be controlled by anger. You see, anger is not a bad thing - it's simply an emotion. The problem is that once you allow yourself to be angry, you are no longer in control of how you respond.
This is why it's important for you to decide how best to handle anger in the future. You must make a firm decision that you will no longer allow yourself to get angry or react out of anger. Once this decision has been made, your anxiety and fear about anger will naturally diminish and self-respect will increase.
Conclusion
All of the above strategies are designed to help you make a decision that you WILL NOT get angry at anyone (including yourself). For example, if you decide to help someone who is ill or disabled, then refuse to let yourself become angry. If you decide that it is impossible for you to be rude, then make sure that this will not happen.
In short, if you decide that anger will not have power over your life and make decisions in the right way, then take action in a very public way (e.g. write something on Facebook) and refuse to let anyone control your emotions or actions by making you angry.