Dealing With Addiction In The Family
Do you or a loved one suffer from addiction? Meet the family and learn how open communication can help.
Dealing with addiction in the family is tough. It might be a job, partner, or relative and it can happen to anyone. If it's someone close, it's difficult to know how to talk about their challenges without opening yourself up for judgement or causing more pain.
Whether you are the one with addiction or concerned about someone else, the best person to speak with is family. The person closest to you and your loved ones will know what's going on, if there is substance abuse or mental health issues.
Karen's Story: Her Daughter Struggles With Addiction
Karen was 45 years old when her daughter Emily, who was 21, started having problems. Emily struggled socially while at university and spent a lot of time at home because she didn't feel like she fit in. She started dating the same guy all the time but couldn't seem to make real connections with another young man because it "never felt right. She was very quiet and kept to herself. Karen was hopeful that Emily would come out of her shell, so she didn't push her to make friends or socialize.
Emily came home for the holidays and seemed happy enough. She didn't have a man in her life but Karen thought that maybe she just wanted some time off from relationships. Emily apologized profusely for not being more sociable when they were together over Christmas. She told her mom that she was thinking about going into law school, which was a dream of hers since high school but long after Emily's law-breaking spree had begun.
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New Years came and went. Emily was quiet but had a lot of friends and was happy enough to chat with her mom at dinner. She didn't want to talk about herself or anything serious though, just to hear about Karen's day. She seemed the same back then—quiet and reserved but polite, and friendly enough. For the past nine months she hadn't had to hide from her friends or worried about being a good mother, so she had been able to focus on her studies instead of trying to be someone else for them. That all changed when Emily started having panic attacks. She just wanted it all to stop and couldn't seem to make peace with it alone anymore.
Karen's Thoughts: The Beginning Of The End
When Karen came home from work one day and her car wouldn't start, she was frustrated. She walked over to the local gas station and called Emily to pick her up. Emily said she was on her way but was hungover and thought it would be best if they just met up at home instead. Karen agreed, thinking that Emily was just having a bad day. When she got home, she opened the door and called out for Emily but there was no answer. Karen found a note on the kitchen counter that read: "Mom I'm sorry I've been so distant lately...I can't live with myself anymore. Just wanted to let you know I'm okay and will call you in a few days. I love you."
Karen pushed back the tears that were forming in her eyes, walked over to the stove and turned off the burner. Then she headed into Emily's room, where the TV was on but there was no one there. Karen noticed that Emily's desk was unmade with papers and pens all over the place, so she decided to check out her daughter's computer. She had left it on so she could see what kind of programs they both used online and noticed that most of them were pretty dark-themed sites, which Karen knew weren't right. When she clicked on a few images as well, she saw child pornography. It was all over the computer, and she had even gotten a screenshot of one video when it was paused. Karen assumed that Emily had gotten a virus but didn't know what to do. She called her sister and asked her to come over because she couldn't lose her daughter again.
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Karen's sister helped her look through the computer, because they knew what Emily did when her mind became warped and that they would have to do it together if they ever wanted to get things cleaned up on their own. There were thousands of videos on there. There was no way they could go through all of them.
When they were finished, they both sat down on the bed silently, not knowing what to say. Karen asked if Emily watched any of the videos and her sister said she remembers seeing some on the computer but not much. She had to leave to pick up their daughter's girlfriend, who was supposed to join them for dinner, so she took her dog when she left and tried to call Emily a few times before going out. There was no response and nothing looked out of place when she got home either.
Karen went back into Emily's room and decided that there wasn't anything really wrong with the room except for how organized it seemed. The bed was made, everything was in its place, and there were no personal items lying around the room. Karen searched through Emily's desk and found a Bible she had been giving her daughter as a gift. She thought that maybe it could offer some insight into why her daughter had been acting out, so she opened it to the first page of the book. The very first verse read: "I know that my redeemer liveth."
Karen knew right then and there that Emily was dead. She called the police and told them what happened and begged them to send someone over to their residence for an investigation. When her sister came back home, they put the pieces together, and their daughter had been dead for two months.
Karen's Story: Her Daughter Comes Home
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Eight years had passed since Emily's death but Karen still didn't feel safe. Though she had her own friends and circles of family, she always felt like she was on edge, waiting for something to happen again. She was afraid that Emily would suddenly reappear in front of them and not know who they were because she often wondered if it would have been better if she just died with her daughter instead of being raised by strangers. It seemed like Emily was judging them for leaving her alone, for putting her in that position and not knowing what to do. She didn't know if Emily loved them or resented them for the way she grew up. She would often wonder why she had been the one to live.
Karen never felt completely at home anymore but decided to move on with her life, though it was mostly out of spite and confusion that Emily didn't want any of their family in her life. Karen would have given anything to have seen her daughter one more time before she died, just so they could make peace together. She couldn't help but wonder if there was something more they could have done as well.
Conclusion: Karen On Her Own
The only thing that saved Karen from total darkness was her own daughter, who was now an adult and had a family of her own. She realized that she did, in fact, want to be close to Emily and didn't want to forget about her. Maybe there was something she could do with the time they had left together. Karen's sister moved away after the death of their daughter and they didn't talk much anymore. It was heartbreaking for Karen to not know whether she would get a chance to tell Emily how deeply sorry she was for all of their mistakes but decided that it just wasn't right for them not to try.