Healing The Abandonment Wounds
I can still remember the day I walked out of my marriage. I was only 23 and had been married for 3 years. Sadly, it is one of those marriages that just didn’t work out like we both hoped. Worse yet, my husband walked away without any explanation or reason at all.
At first, the pain was unbearable and it was hard to find relief anywhere. Recently though, I have found some peace in knowing that this pain won't last forever and there are a lot of people who are walking with me on this journey - who have also been abandoned in their lives or have lost loved ones.
Today I want to talk about this very difficult subject, the pain of abandonment and loneliness. In my own life, I have found it helpful to talk about various aspects of abandonment and loneliness. This is not a 10 step program, but rather an introduction to my way of dealing with this painful subject.
The Three Main Areas:
Pain over what was lost or what was never had to begin with; Anguish over being betrayed or being lied too; and a sense of loss if there was never love in the first place.
It is this third area, the loss of love that is one of the hardest to cope with. This area is so difficult because you are left searching for some way to make sense out of what happened. You ask yourself why? Loving someone can never be enough to make up for losing them but in a lot of ways what matters most is not the reason behind it all – but rather how we react to it all.
I've heard many people ask questions like “what's the point? How do you ever get over someone who has left you?” My answer to that question is simple: To get over someone means that we have somehow managed to forget them - or forgive them. And in a way that’s what I try to do with my husband. It is a lot harder to get over him than I thought it would be and there are still times when I feel so bad. But even if he were to come back and apologize, it wouldn't change the situation - or make me feel better.
For some reason, people have a hard time understanding this situation or put too much meaning into this event. It is something that happens but it does not define us as individuals - and for many of us, we don't want to remember the specific reason behind our actions. I think that’s why I chose to list out the three main areas.
For me, the pain of abandonment is something that could almost be a job of its own. Just like anything else in life, this too can be broken down into smaller chunks so we can understand it better. It reminds me of a time after I moved away from my ex husband and had to start over again from scratch. At the time I didn't have any money, friends or family. In fact, when it comes to family - some people are lucky enough if they have one - let alone many people in their lives who may be there for them when they need them the most.
I had to start over again and try to find my way through life after feeling so completely abandoned. Not only have I felt abandoned by my ex husband - but no one in my new area of town seemed to understand me either. It was one of the hardest times I have ever had and it was one of the most difficult times to find a new stride in life.
1] The Pain of what Was Lost – Or Was Never Had To Begin With?
This is something that is very common for many of us. There were never any promises made and there could be a well thought out reason why things went wrong or why we walked away from the situation at hand. To lose love in a relationship - or to have it never been there in the first place is just as painful as anything else.
In my own life, I had never intended to be hurt by my husband but that’s what happened. I had been married for three years and was very much in love with him when things started going wrong. He began to withdraw from me and seemed to be withdrawn from most things going on in his life. Before long, he could no longer look me in the eye when he spoke to me - or express himself about his feelings for me.
I could see that something was wrong with him and it would have been nice if he had talked to me about what was going on. Instead, I found myself wondering if there was someone else in his life. Then, one day he simply walked away from the situation. It didn’t matter to him or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't a big deal - because no one ever bothered to tell me why things had to change so drastically - and nothing mattered anymore after this point.
The pain of abandonment can sometimes be the worst possible pain you will ever have to face in your life. It is something that can haunt you forever and it is something that will never go away completely - when you feel this kind of pain.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please feel free to share them in the comment section below...
Be Blessed, Be A Blessing!
2] The Anguish of Being Betrayed – Or Being Lied Too:
When someone leaves you for another person or does not express their true feelings for another person - it feels like a betrayal. In my own case, I didn't feel betrayed by my husband because I got nothing out of it except hurt and pain. I had to wonder what he got out of it? Why would he walk away from a marriage that was good - and why would he do this to his children? I'm sure there are other reasons for this kind of behavior but when you are in the middle of it - it is hard to see any reason except personal gain.
Of course, the truth is always somewhere in between. If someone leaves you for another person, it may be because they have been attracted to someone else but there may also be a personal reason they are leaving you. What matters most is not the why - but instead how you deal with the situation at hand.
This is the part of your life where you have to grow up quickly and learn how to deal with many of the new situations you will have to face. You may find that you are unable or unwilling to take care of yourself - or someone else for that matter. And then once again, your life takes a turn for the worse.
When we lose love in our lives, it makes us examine who we are as individuals and this can be a very scary thing. I'm sure everyone knows what it feels like when there is betrayal in a relationship or even just a general feeling that something is wrong with what's happening before us.
Conclusion
The pain of abandonment can be very hard to deal with but I personally feel that there is hope. If you are really honest with yourself, this problem is not going away and it will take time - and a lot of effort on the part of you to get over your ex. The truth is that in most cases, the person will never come back or you will never get over them. While many things can be done to help ease the pain - they almost always do not work in their entirety.
There is help & hope out there for every single one of us who have been abandoned by someone important to us in our lives - even if we do not know it.