How I Conquered Suicidal Despair And Discovered Enduring Hope
I have been where you are now. I have felt what you feel-- hopeless, helpless, and as if there is no way out of the darkness. I was depressed and suicidal for about ten years. It all started when my dad died in a car crash when I was 17 years old.
The thought of not existing would flash like a neon sign in my mind: "Die today" or "Leave your body".
I had two choices: live or die. But life seemed so empty that death looked so much better--as well as simpler and less painful than living with the depression that plagued me on a regular basis.
Then, one afternoon, I was awakened by a voice in my head: "HALT. You mustn't do this to yourself". I kept trying to drown it out, but the voice would not be quieted. It continued: "STOP DYING! Dieing is only more painful than living." I knew that this was not God's voice--it was fear talking.
I put down my gun and calmly walked outside to my mailbox. And from there, I slowly walked around a steep hill until I got to the bottom of the hill overlooking a stretch of beautiful farmland. I then shot myself in the head.
The thing is, I knew that if I did not stop trying to kill myself, this would get worse. But if I died, there would be no more pain.
I woke up in a hospital bed with my head wrapped in an icebag and my right hand bandaged. Otherwise, I was fine--I was alive!
I don't remember a whole lot about what happened after that except that I must have been transferred to a hospital closer to home because the doctors and nurses were little more than strangers. The woman at the front desk asked if they could make me comfortable on my last night on earth by making me comfortable on my pillow before they tidied up for me to die.
I somehow found the strength to say, "No thank you, but I would rather have a copy of the New Testament." She looked at me strangely and handed me a Bible.
That night, I opened up my Bible to 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 and read these words in an unfamiliar voice: "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
I wasn't expecting to die that day. But then again, I was not expecting or planning to live either. But I did. And through the strength of God who IS truth itself, I lived today.
I know that this is not easy to believe because you are in despair and have convinced yourself that living has no meaning or hope at all. But it does for me--and for every one of us. That is, we can live…and not just live, but live well, because just as death was defeated by the power of Christ and swallowed up in victory, so can we be too.
The bad news is--you have to die first. But the good news is--you don't really have to die at all. Because Christ was raised from the dead on the third day, I know that we can be, too.
I know that this may not make sense right now. You are in despair because life has been making no sense at all. But if you will stop struggling and let go and let God help you, He can show you that everything makes perfect sense when we look at it through His eyes: "For now we see darkly as in a mirror, but then face to face" ( 1 Corinthians 13:12).
Until then, just keep breathing--and living--one breath at a time. Because you have to breathe to live, and there is no life without it.
Tomorrow's gift is a brand new day. And the only way that it can be the best day of your life is by receiving God's free grace for the worst day of your life and turning from living in darkness to living in the light.
The last thing that I want is for you to end up like me: depressed, suicidal and miserable. But if you keep dying as I did--death will win and you will become more and more miserable every day. But when we are filled with Christ and are being filled with His joy, we cannot help but live well.
You ask: "How do I live again?"
I answer: by living.
You ask: "How do I not die again?"
I answer: by dying.
And I am not talking about suicide. I am talking about dying to the power of sin and death by receiving God's free gift of grace and experiencing more joy in one day than some people experience in their entire lives.
If this is not you, then you need to receive the same grace that saved me so that today can be your best day ever. Because I know that you can live, and not just live, but live well, if only you will stop struggling and let go and let God help you.
The Lord giveth life; and he taketh it away.
(Job 14:14) ."
This article is dedicated to those who read it years ago when I was going through a tough time. If this helped save your life please consider making a small gift to the Prison Fellowship Canada charity to support Christians in prison: www.prisonfellowshipcanada.com
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God bless!
Rev. Johnathan Van Maren has studied theology at Franciscan University of Steubenville and is currently completing a Master's Degree in Divinity through King's College in Edmonton, Alberta. He is the author of "On The Brink: his Blog" (http://on-the-brink.blogspot.ca/) and has served as the Regional Coordinator for Canada with "LifeSiteNews". He can be reached at [email protected] . Follow him on Twitter @revjohan .
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POW! is a registered charity, number 94028319RR0001. The views expressed by the participants on this blog are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of POW! or its Board of Directors.
This article was originally published at From The Perspective Of A Prisoner in 2014 . Reprinted with permission from POW! . Visit their website: http://www.prisonfellowshipcanada.
Conclusion
by Rev. Dr. Art Thompson
I have been a pastor in a small church for 12 years in a town that has taken away yet another of its churches to the Baptist/Charismatic movement. I have also worked with many people as a counselor and therapist during this time and so know that these are not merely random events in our lives, but well-planned attacks on the Church and its faithful servants. The enemy of souls is subtle and cunning in the methods he uses to destroy those who are faithful and to weaken those who are weak; over time he will make more obvious his intent to attack our bodies, our churches, our families, our work places, our schools, our homes, etc.