Knowing When I'm Not: 4 Suggestions for Developing a Strong Center
You know when you have a thought like " I'm happy with my life "?
Your personal truth is that there are always more things you could be doing, but for now, this is what works for you.
For whatever reason, that doesn't feel like enough. Yeah, it feels good to pet a dog or eat an avocado-toast breakfast. But then it's the wintertime and you can't enjoy those things anymore because your hands are freezing and your boots are soaked through. You think how nice it would be to go outside in the summer again and maybe dance on a patio or two with friends while sipping watermelon margaritas.
But you don't live in the house of your dreams or know how to dance salsa. So instead of moving towards what you want, you keep trying to grab back the things that you do have. And it doesn't work because they're gone.
And now, to make matters worse, there's this voice in the back of your head reminding you how unhappy you are.
One helpful response is recognizing that this voice is often based on a fantasy rather than what's actually happening for you right now. That doesn't mean that it's not true , but it does mean that it's probably not helpful . It will also be hard to feel happy if you continue down this path.
People can also be "stuck" because they are using their personal truth as a coping mechanism. For example, a person may not want to experience anxiety and depression so they keep thinking "I'm happy" even if they're not. They could also keep repeating: " It's all going to be okay in the end ." Or, " When I get through this difficult time nothing will seem so bad as it does now."
These are all valid responses, but we need to remember that happiness is something that happens . In your mind you don't have to think anything at all – it's just happening inside you. You don't have to feel worried or angry – those things are happening too. You don't have to be "happy" – it's just there.
These coping mechanisms can be helpful but they can also keep us from healing as we can stay stuck in our personal truth for years. To move on we need to stop using it as a coping mechanism .
If you're interested in some alternatives, here are some suggestions you might like:
1) Become more aware of your body and sensations
2) Try watching your thoughts like you watch TV
3) Be present with whatever is happening around you right now instead of thinking about the past or future. This is especially helpful with pain and emotions.
4) Write a list of what you like about whatever is happening (like this one). For example, if you hate how you woke up in the morning, write down the things that make it less awful.
5) Ask yourself this question: "What would I do if I wasn't afraid ?" For example: " I would make breakfast and put on makeup." or " I would do this yoga pose until my body feels strong."
6) Read quotes that remind you of something . If you're not sure where to get them, then look under quotes on sites like Pinterest. Or maybe a book by someone famous will help. Then, write them down and put them in a place where you can see them. Your favorite quote could be "I'm not sure where I'm going but I'm on my way" or maybe it's "I have failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
7) Avoid thinking about the future or making lists of things to do. (Maybe you'll finish writing this article some day.)
8) Don't give up until you've tried out all of these ideas!
9) Take care of yourself as best you can . Put on some music, take a bath, read a book . Treat yourself like your best friend would treat you .
10) Practice kindness to yourself, especially if you have a strong personality. For example, if you're very self-critical, try being kind to yourself even when you're comparing your life to someone else's. Or maybe something else doesn't work for you to be kind, then just try "being gentle".
11) Consider working on self-compassion .
12) If all else fails , read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle . I found this book when I was in therapy many years ago and it helped me a lot. It doesn't say that people need to be happy in order to live well or that happiness is the goal. It says that the only time we can live well is now. If you can be happy now, you're practicing well. If you can't be happy in the present moment, then it's not possible to live well.
If you've been following this blog for a while, you know I'm not big on taking medication on purpose. But there are some circumstances when it could make a difference in your life and also help with your mental health (e.g., certain kinds of cancer). So if I were to prescribe something, it might be an SNRI antidepressant like Lexapro or a tricyclic antidepressant like Elavil (these were good for me).
If you're interested in these options, I have a series of posts that discusses it:
7) Consider working on self-compassion.
This link is to a Positivity Blog post series with the same title. It's a guide that tells you how to develop compassion for yourself. I don't know much about it, but I think it might be helpful to at least consider.
8) If all else fails, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle . I found this book when I was in therapy many years ago and it helped me a lot. It doesn't say that people need to be happy in order to live well or that happiness is the goal. It says that the only time we can live well is now. If you can be happy now, you're practicing well. If you can't be happy in the present moment, then it's not possible to live well.
If you're interested in more ideas like these, there are many more here on this blog:
Thanks for reading! I look forward to your comments and learning from them. Happy life-making!
~ Janell ~
January 24, 2015 at 6:29 am Toni (online) said...
Hi Janell I came across your posts because I have a similar story of being in my 30s and wanting to create positive change with my life. A year ago I was given a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and have started taking medication. As someone who has been through therapy, I have to say I think it's helped. There's no doubt that therapy and meds aren't solutions to everything, but they can help. The same may be true of your own journey...one thing that I think you don't realize or emphasize enough is the importance of sleep. You're sleeping for about 4-5 hours a day...that's not really sleep, it's just your body shutting down after using all its energy in an attempt to sleep for 6-8 hours a night.