Letting Go Makes It Easier
What do you think happens when we hold on to something too long? We tend to think it's going to make the pain go away, but instead the opposite is true - we're just making it worse. When you are holding onto someone else or something that is not in your control, maybe because they left or went away and you can't find them, most likely you will feel heartbroken. You may have all these thoughts like:
"I miss them so much."
"I wish I could still be with them." "Maybe this will change how they feel about me." "This would help if I were still with him/her." "If only I had done more things..." etc.
The thing is, you CANNOT force someone to love you or stay with you. You have to LET GO and STOP trying to control exes or people in your life that are gone - it will just make things worse when they leave.
Everyone goes through heartbreak sometimes, whether it is due to a lost lover or a person that has died. It's just a part of life and everyone experiences this pain at some point. But when we are in the process of letting go and moving on, we don't necessarily have the same thoughts or emotions that we did before the person left us (or passed away). Our emotions change and we are not as focused on what is now over and gone. Having these thoughts will just make you sadder, but if you can find ways to cope with the pain, it will get easier each day. Let's take a look at some of the thoughts we might have when we can't let go of these lost exes or people in your life that are gone:
Emotional Reactions to Heartbreak Painful Thoughts:
"It would hurt more if I didn't love him/her so much." "I must've done something wrong." "No one will ever love me as much as he/she did." "I'm a failure because I lost them. I'm no good." "*** (the one you love) was the best thing that ever happened to me. No one else will ever compare." "If only I had done more things to make him/her love me, this wouldn't have happened."
"I hate myself for what I've done for them."
"If I just focus on him/her, I won't feel as sad anymore." "I can't believe it's over. Maybe if I try harder, we can still be together somehow..."
Not being able to let go of these thoughts will cause you the most pain and suffering. You'll feel like you're going crazy because you will be caught in your head, constantly thinking of the other person or people that have left you. These dysfunctional thoughts will make the pain worse and you'll end up hurting yourself more.
"What's wrong?" a friend may ask. "Nothing," you reply. "You don't seem okay to me," they say. Maybe another friend makes a comment that reminds you of him/her. Even though this might have happened long ago, these comments may be enough to put your mind back into the past and bring up all those painful thoughts again, making things feel even worse than before.
You may feel guilty for "being over you" because you're not focused on the present. You may feel as if you don't want to be around people and try to isolate yourself from everything that reminds you of that person. You'll want to go back and relive the memories, but it's useless to hunt for them now since they are long gone and cannot be salvaged.
Next time you're feeling sad because of something, take a step back and try to change your thoughts in order to heal your heartbreak pain.
Try not thinking about them all the time when they leave:
"Think of something else." "Don't think about them at all." "Tell yourself it doesn't matter. You're better without them."
Change your environment:
"Get out. Go see friends." "Work. Stay busy and take your mind off your heartbreak."
Ask yourself these questions:
"What was good about the relationship?" "What did this person do for you?" "Were there any good things that happened?" "How did this person affect you in a positive way?" (Maybe they taught you something or influenced you to be a better person) "What were some of the things that made your relationship so great?" (Think of at least 5. Let's say you have one of these "positive" memories:
1. You had great sex. 2. You felt really comfortable talking to your partner. 3. It was fun spending time with them. 4. They supported you in your goals and dreams 5. They helped you to build a strong friendship 6. You had great conversations 7. You felt loved, appreciated and understood by this person
Write down the positive things:
"I think I will find this helpful when I'm trying to heal my broken heart." "I'm going to focus on these positive aspects when I'm feeling hurt or sad." "I'm going to remind myself of how much I love myself every day. I'm going to focus on all the good things I have."
Ask a friend to help you:
"Is there anyone you can ask for help?" "How can I ask this person to help me?" "I want someone who will tell me the truth and help me see that this relationship is over and I need to move on." "I want someone who understands what I'm going through. They won't make fun of my feelings, or try to fix things with them so they don't hurt anymore." "I need someone who can give me advice about my ex and what I should say when he/she calls. They will be objective and not lie or say things that are hurtful. They will listen to what I'm feeling and give me their honest opinion and help me see things clearly.
"I will try to do what this person says and live my life how they tell me to." "I'm going to do whatever it takes for them to help me."
Think of something else:
"I'm going to focus on the good things in my life." "The past is the past. I am thinking in the present now. It is what it is. I can't change any of it, so why should I think about them all day?" "I have to stop thinking about them. This can't continue for too long, or I'll lose my mind."
Distract yourself:
"I hate how much I miss him/her because this is hurting me more than anything ever has before.
Conclusion:
"I'm going to do whatever it takes for them to help me." "I'm going to focus on the good things in my life." "The past is the past. I am thinking in the present now. It is what it is. I can't change any of it, so why should I think about them all day?" "I have to stop thinking about them. This can't continue for too long, or I'll lose my mind."
Distract yourself:
"I hate how much I miss him/her because this is hurting me more than anything ever has before. "I have a lot of work to do, so writing in a journal will distract me from these thoughts and make me feel better.