Letting Go Of Perfection
We’ve all been there before. We’re driving, writing, cooking, or scrubbing the floor when our Internet starts to beep. Quickly putting down whatever we are doing and we go to read our email or check Facebook - because it was the first thing that popped up in the blurry blur of activity going on in front of us. Then comes the guilt of finding out someone just has a question about what we were doing moments ago - when it really doesn't matter at all. When you can distract yourself from your perfectionism-obsessed mind with a piece of chocolate cake, you're never truly free from it.
Perfectionism can exist in one form or another throughout our lives. Some perfectionists are so careful to ensure that every detail is perfect, it may very well have started before we were born. Those with a penchant for perfectionism have some form of perfectionism disorder, which affects 15% of the population (1). Perfectionists with this disorder cling to an ideal that life should be perfect and take on the burden of constantly striving for perfection in all aspects of their lives - even when that ideal is unrealistic, and impossible to maintain. Some perfectionists feel resentment towards imperfections in other people and feel like they should never make mistakes - and will punish themselves if they do. They have a sense of anxiety and fear that anything less than the perfect standards they set for themselves will bring about a negative outcome (1).
According to psychologist David Burns, “Perfectionism is an emotional disorder rooted in the fear of not being good enough. It is best defined as the excessive concern with doing things perfectly, so that nothing one does is good enough” (2). Perfectionists will go to great lengths to ensure everything goes correctly - even at great personal expense. Perfectionism can make you a workaholic, increase stress levels and destroy relationships. Even when you feel like you’ve met all your goals, its never enough. Perfectionism can be the enemy of creativity and fulfillment.
Perfectionism is a problem because it mires you in a cycle of negative thoughts and feelings. It makes you feel like nothing is ever good enough. It makes you feel that there is always something wrong with what you do and who you are, even if your life is going great. Perfectionists are afraid to let go, to relax, to believe in the goodness within their own lives - because they fear if they do, then all their hard work will have been for nothing. They fear that the world will be different when they don't try so very hard to make it perfect for themselves.
The characteristics of a perfectionist include:
- You have high expectations for yourself
- You control or try to control situations and people around you
- You are a workaholic and often overachieve in order to avoid making mistakes (3) - If you’re not number one, then you don't want to be around. You need to be the best at everything you do.
- Perfectionists are sensitive to criticism. They tend to feel that if they make any mistakes, other people will reject them and disapprove of them altogether. Criticism feels like a threat to their self-esteem and identity.
- Perfectionism often leads to procrastination, because of the fear of failure.
- Perfectionists are a lot more sensitive to pain.
The basic idea behind perfectionism is that you think that if something is not perfect, it’s bad. Making a mistake is bad, or as one client of mine so eloquently put it - “When I farted in front of people it meant I was the worst primate ever. If I didn’t want anyone to see me farting in public, then I could never let myself go far enough to feel okay with doing things that were even slightly risky or embarrassing.”
The idea that perfectionism is a disorder is not new - but it’s a belief that a lot of people still hold to be true. However, over the past decade it has become more widely accepted that perfectionism can be present in individual lives and at times reach such extremes that it manifests itself as a mental illness. In 2007, the American Psychiatric Association included “extreme perfectionism” as an official diagnosis for “avoidant/dependent personality disorder (4). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) - 5 has also listed "Extreme Perfectionism" as one of the new personality disorders entitled 'Avoidant Personality Disorder'.
Many of us, when we are feeling really frustrated and anxious, can be prone to the tendency to hold on to something that makes us feel better. It seems like the beginnings of a solution - a short-term fix that will work in the long-term too. Perfectionism is almost always rooted in some sort of past experience where we felt rejected, abandoned or hurt. Perfectionism can be learned and can become a habit based on how it feels to not be good enough. We don't always realize that perfectionism is only hurting others and ourselves by holding onto it - but in reality, the truth is we are doing it for ourselves. The more we hold on, the harder it is to let go.
And perfectionism doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It's just that when it overshadows our lives and ruins our happiness, then it becomes a problem - yes? Well, fortunately there are ways out of perfectionist ruts and habits. There are people out there who have been through all the perfectionist struggles you’re experiencing - they’ve let go of the perfect package they’ve christened themselves with in their minds and hearts, and find freedom from their pain.
When I asked my clients what they got out of perfectionism, many responded with answers such as: “I was a perfectionist because I had to be. There were so many things that depended on me being perfect. It was the only way I could make everyone happy, and feel like I was in control of my life.” or “I thought it made me look better - like people wanted to be around me more, or that people would respect me more if there weren't any imperfections in my life."
It’s normal to want everything in your life to be perfect - this can be achieved simply by using the right tools and techniques in your daily routine.
5 Ways To Stop Being A Perfectionist:
1. Realize that perfection is an illusion. No one is perfect - not even Beyonce or your favorite celebrity. You are not alone in your struggles or in how imperfect you feel. There are many people trying to reach the same goals as you, and the only thing that separates you from them is that they're willing to be okay with who they are as they try to get there. This means they can enjoy the journey much more than you do - because they know it's a big fat lie that no one will ever live up to your expectations of perfection, not even them - and yet it doesn't stop them from trying and doing their best.
2.
Conclusion:
The quality of our life depends directly on how we feel about ourselves. If you are constantly stuck in a rigid mindset of perfectionism, there is no room to grow and improve. This is why extreme perfectionism can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and an inability to achieve success in the things that matter most to you.
References:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201002/6-traits-perfectionist#
http://www.psychologytoday.