Loving Those Who Seek To Suppress And Control Us.
A lot of people don't understand why we allow abusers to love us. They don't understand the power and control that is exerted over our lives, or the range of dynamics that can exist in an abusive relationship.
They want someone to blame for their own issues, and they blame the victim who has been hurt by abuse. This post is here to explain why it's not as simple as blaming one person, but understanding how a spectrum of behaviors are used against us.
Everyone, including abusers and abusers' victims, are doing their best. Their best comes from their own perspectives on the world around them. They are ALL doing what they feel is right at the time.
In abusive relationships we see all sort of dynamics as only being possible. In this case, reasonable people can be reasonable and crazy people can be crazy. Or reasonable people can be reasonable and crazy people can be stupid. Or reasonable people can be crazy and stupid. Or reasonable people can be reasonable and stupid. It all depends on the context.
So the goal is to understand that one context is not all that matters and that there are other contexts in life where reasonable people behave reasonably, crazy people behave crazily, and stupid people behave stupidly.
A lot of people don't recognize the types of dynamics in an abusive relationship but they do recognize them in other contexts, like politics or social life. This is actually a big problem that encourages victim blaming.
When something happens in life, we usually blame someone. When something bad happens we blame someone, but when something good happens who should we thank? Many people expect to feel gratitude if they are being abused and don't see it otherwise.
It's very rare for people to feel grateful for abuse because of the types of dynamics that exist in an abusive relationship. The abuse can last for a long time, or it can start abruptly. The abuser doesn't have a consistent track record and there are many types of abusers. Add in the fact that the abuser can be justified to have done what he did because "she instigated" him, and there is little hope for us to leave the relationship.
So what makes someone want to stay in an abusive relationship? Usually they think they are really in love with this person and they don't want their relationship to end. They actually believe things will get better. They are often right.
We don't know how to ask for help in our circumstances, and we usually don't recognize that we are being abused. Sometimes we do know, but it's "just the way things are" or it's "the only way". Then there are other situations where we have hope for something to change in the relationship and slowly that hope is lost as frustration mounts.
When everything that goes wrong is laid on you, it gets easy to feel crazy or stupid. If everything were going well, we would be able to leave the relationship and make sense of the situation.
It's hard to realize that we are being abused when we have hope for a better life with someone. Bodies and souls are connected, so when there is no hope in a relationship your body will start shutting down. The only way out is to leave the relationship, and leaving an abusive relationship can create physical problems such as depression or some form of anxiety disorder.
We believe in equality, yet we don't feel equal. We believe that men and women are valued equally, but we don't see it if the man is abusive. The abusive man expects us to do whatever he wants but he refuses to do what he is supposed to for himself or for us.
He expects the friendship, sex, and adoration of a woman but he will never give the same to her unless she gives up everything she has to offer. He will take from her and she will give, but he isn't giving her the same privilege of taking. He isn't offering a relationship with the same terms as she is.
Many people don't recognize the abuse in relationships because they aren't seeing what's really happening. Women can be abusive to their partners too, and male victims are kept silent in fear of being ridiculed.
Abuse happens to everyone. Sometimes we look hurt and sometimes we look angry, but that's just a part of the story. The abuse is what is causing us to feel hurt and angry. We have to remember that even though we don't like the way someone treats us, things can still change if we are honest with ourselves.
It's easy to blame ourselves for being in an abusive relationship, but it's an illusion that the abuser has created for him or herself and his or her victim (we). If the relationship didn't exist, the abuser wouldn't be able to get all of his or her needs met because abuse requires that we be there for him or her.
Once again, everyone is doing the best they can and in an abusive relationship, as victims we are doing our best to cope and survive at the same time. A lot of people act as if we want to stay in these relationships by blaming us for our actions and not understanding that we are trying to get free.
Conclusion
Many people are diagnosed as mentally ill when they are actually victims of abuse. These types of dynamics usually don't fit the stereotypes that people have in their heads, but they are valid patterns if you understand how to recognize them.
We don't like thinking this way, especially when it means that we have to see that we owe something to someone who is abusing us. It's hard to believe that others can do this and still be "good" people, but it's true.