Overcoming Addictions
Have you ever been dealt a particularly difficult hand that was seemingly unplayable, but you still managed to find a way to come out on top? Did you experience an incredible amount of pain and defeat, only to eventually emerge victorious and better than before?
If so, then you may want to read this blog post because I'm going to teach you how I overcame my addiction. It's not an addiction like the ones I think many of us are familiar with — drugs or alcohol or even food. There's no doubt that managing those types of addictions are hard enough, but what if your addiction is to toxic people and situations?
I know that sounds strange, but that is my reality. On August 7th, 2017 I quit my job at a corporate firm in NYC because I was miserable. I was sick and tired of the politics and feeling like a cog in some machine. It's not what I went to school for, nor what I worked so hard to achieve. I had a great education, I was working with intelligent people, I was fine financially so why was I unhappy?
It was because of all the politics, ego and daily micro-aggressions that made my life hell. So I left — just quit cold turkey (which is something else we'll talk about later). It wasn't easy by any means — quitting a well-paying job that requires some level of skill doesn't happen over night.
But then on September 4th, I got a news alert:
Prominent New York attorney general had sex with seven women he hired as investigators. - NY Post
The article blew up my world: I watched it unfold in real time. It was July of 2016 and the first story broke about Harvey Weinstein — a powerful Hollywood movie producer and talent manager who preyed on young women. The headline was the same: "Leading New York Lawyer Had A Sexual Relationship With Eight Women. . . !" Just like the Weinstein case, this story was about a prominent lawyer who was having an inappropriate and inappropriate relationship with young women.
It's one thing to hear about it: It's different when you hear your name in the same breath. I'm not talking about #metoo hashtag people — though I am on board with that movement — but what I'm referring to is something more deep and personal than just hashtags: It's my name.
The reporter even used my full name in the story. I immediately felt sick. Did they know? Did they have my photo and information? I was terrified because I know what comes next when you're targeted: All is fair game.
"I'm going to have to take you out. . . !"
If there is any advice that I can give to anyone struggling with addiction, it's to manage those emotions. A conversation with a reporter can be just as threatening as being in the middle of an addiction. You never know what they are going to say and how they will spin it. So my first reaction when I saw this story was intense fear and anger.
"What do you have on me? I'm going to have to take you out!"
I'm not entirely sure if that happened. I tend to think it didn't, but I can't be sure. Maybe my body language was too intense or the way I worded things in my head. Maybe the story just wasn't ready when I read it or maybe everyone just came together and decided to kill me off for being a bad lawyer — "you're going to jail!"
It was so bizarre that I had to call a friend after and explain it to her. She wasn't having it. She said: "You're not an addict. You're not even a bad lawyer, so stop."
But as I sat there thinking about it more and more, I realized that she was right. Maybe I could get away with saying something in my head — and it's ok to think those things — but it's not the same as acting on them. That's where the problem lies with addiction of any kind: It has to be acted upon for anything to be considered an addiction. You may feel something emotionally or even intellectually about a situation, but it's not until you are completely consumed by this idea that it becomes an addiction.
I'm certain that something happened in my mind on September 4th. I don't know what, but I know something did. It was as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly I was being targeted.
The next story: "Lil Jon Has Sex With Multiple Women at Coachella. . . !" My name went international this time. It was different from the first story because it was about a celebrity, not a law-firm manager. It was also different because I am not Lil Jon, but it still made me sick to my stomach.
I didn't know what to do. I got a call from one of my friends: "did you see what happened?" she asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
Conclusion: You're going to die.
I stopped talking about it for the most part, but I couldn't sleep or eat: I was certain I was going to die. But then something else happened: It stopped. Maybe it's because it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on — but how could people just move on from this, I wondered? How could they be so violent and hateful toward me?
It made no sense: At least not until recently with the #metoo movement.
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Overcoming Addictions