The Biggest Secret
Imagine if you had the knowledge, the power, and the certainty to walk confidently into any room, talk to anyone about anything without fear.
This is what a secret does.
But it’s not just about keeping a secret; a secret also implies that there is something important for you to know that no one else knows or understands. Some secrets are good and can help others like sharing your story in order to build empathy or giving others advice on how they can improve themselves by changing their habits. Other secrets may not be so positive however, with their origins stemming from pain, envy or discouragement.
Regardless of the type of secret, if you have one, it’s important to be safe and respect the individual who has shared their secret. The consequences could be dire, so it’s important to know how to manage a secret safely.
If your friend or colleague tells you that they want to confide in you and ask you to keep their secret then it may feel like they are asking for permission and it can be difficult when someone else has so much power over your life. So how do you know if they should be trusted with this type of information? You need to look at them, the situation and the potential consequences before sharing your personal details with them.
When we allow others to share details about ourselves, it has a significant impact on our lives. For example, if someone you know shares a secret about themselves with you, to whom else could they tell? When it comes to someone who has shared their secret with you, people can react in any number of ways from sympathetically to violently and the action they take is often because they either don’t understand the significance of your friend or colleague’s secret or are reading into and misinterpreting it.
For example, say you are in a relationship with someone and you have a habit of being unfaithful. If your partner finds out about your secret habit and then threatens to expose you to family, friends and colleagues then this may seem scary. However, many people who find out about an unfaithful partner will forgive them if they can explain the circumstances that caused their unfaithfulness and the couple can work together to rebuild the relationship. There is no guideline or warranty on how people will react however so it’s important that you keep your secrets safe but also be prepared for whatever happens when they come out.
If you are worried that someone might betray your secrets you can take precautions by making your secrets private on social media like Facebook or amongst close friends and family. You can even consider using a messaging app like Midnight so that only people who know how to unlock it can read it.
Whether you’re dealing with professional, personal or even intimate secrets, there are some key tips to manage them safely and respectfully through the process of confiding in someone:
• Find out more about the person’s background and where they are coming from – if they have an insecure past then their behaviour may be a reflection of this. For example, if someone feels disappointed or down about being alone and has no friends then their tendency to share personal details with others may be because they feel lonely and therefore have a need to find friendship.
• The secret may be a consequence of a trauma that happened to the person – this means that after an event like getting fired, becoming homeless, being hit by a car, or any other event that has caused them pain they will be very sensitive around other people. In these situations it can be difficult for the person to open up because they are able to consider what their potential reactions will be and so will often keep many secret thoughts hidden away because of how they are feeling.
• The person’s background may have made them dependent on others – this means that they may have a tendency to be more self-aware. When you are self-aware you are able to understand yourself and the world around you better and it can be helpful when trying to resolve issues if you know more about who you are and why you do the things that you do. So, if someone has an insecure past or is particularly vulnerable then it is important to allow them some space so that they can build up their confidence.
• The person might not understand what a secret is – children, in particular, can find it hard to grasp because they haven’t had much experience of keeping their thoughts tucked away from others. So, as a parent, you should help them to understand why it’s important to keep their thoughts private from others.
• People, especially children and young adults, often see sharing information about themselves as a way of gaining approval and bonding. So, if you are helping someone who is sharing their secrets with you then you should be prepared to give your opinion because they may not be able to do this on their own. If the person doesn’t seem to take offence then it might be that they need more reassurance that you are there for them and can support them through the secret.
• The person may have an identity crisis or is struggling with their self-esteem and confidence – if this is what has happened then you must be careful to handle them with care and not punish them for who they are.
• The person might need your opinion on what the secret means, e.g. where do they go wrong, how do they feel after doing it, how can they get better etc. If this is the case then talk to them about their feelings and let them know that it’s ok to admit that there’s a problem. Then you can try to help him or her move on from their mistake by talking about ways in which they can improve or change their behaviour in future.
• People may also need reassurance that it’s safe to confide in you – if you have a secret then be prepared for them to ask for details about yours. Always make sure that you give prior consent for them to hear your story and ask if this is an appropriate time. If they mention something personal, consider how they might react if they knew it was a secret and make sure that what you are saying is true.
All these tips are important because they provide some important basics of how best to manage someone who has shared their secrets with you. However, what you should keep in mind is that there’s no set way that people will react. So, you may even find that your friend or colleague is more concerned with how they are taking it and using it to try and help you than they are with the actual secret.
If this is the case then be prepared to reciprocate this by offering them the same level of care towards them, even if it means saying ‘stop’ when they are trying to help the situation. Always remember to consider the feelings of people you’re confiding in and treat them fairly because as social beings we all have a need for connection and support from others.
Conclusion
At the end of this chapter you should now have an idea of how to handle different types of secrets and also be aware of what you can do to manage them with care and consideration. One thing that we cannot stress enough is the importance of preparing in advance for any eventuality. Secrets are difficult for everyone, but there are some things that we can do to try and make it less painful when they are revealed.
Your secret isn’t your friend’s problem, so don’t try and rely on them to fix your problems. Instead, prepare yourself by knowing what you want to say before you reveal your secret – this will help ensure that you can speak confidently instead of saying things at the last minute.