The Dirty Dozen: Why We Do Not Want To Face Feelings
Successful, productive people have a talent for avoiding their emotions. They’re so good at it they probably don’t realise they do it. But avoidance can be exhausting and unproductive, especially when you're supposed to know how to lead other people into the same emotional space. When you avoid emotions too much, it becomes an addiction—a way of being that is not sustainable for long periods of time.
The Dirty Dozen is a set of twelve feelings that are vital to success: anger, fear, guilt, frustration, hurt feelings, insecurity and disappointment among them. Understanding these 12 emotions will help you create a healthier relationship with them overall.
Two roles you should play
After all, we all have two roles to play: as a leader and a follower. There will be times when you're the leader and your job is to get people enthusiastic, motivated and fired up. And there will be times when you are going to be following, joining in with the emotions of others.
One day you'll be the coach in the locker room before the big game and everyone's tense and scared but it's totally safe because they know that after your pep talk they're going out onto that field with their teammates to give it their best shot. The next day you might be the one on the field with your team and now it's your turn to listen and absorb the emotions of others around you. You’ll be joining their fear, anger, hurt and disappointment to help them perform at their very best.
As a leader, you're in a great position to teach your followers a healthier relationship with emotions—especially fear. In fact, fear is one of the greatest impediments between leaders and greatness because it causes us to try to control things we cannot fully control. No one wants to admit that they are afraid; but that deep down inside most leaders know that they're as scared as anyone else when it comes down to it.
If you know how to be with fear, how to handle it and even enjoy it, then you can be a much more effective and productive leader.
The Dirty Dozen is about helping you to have a healthier relationship with these twelve emotions. They’re like an exotic group of old friends that are going through emotional detox—they’re big and powerful and they demand attention. I’m not talking about superficial emotions like excitement or sadness but feelings that are deeper, like abandonment, betrayal or loss. These are not pretty feelings but they can help us learn what is important in our lives if we allow them to.
When we are stuck in the emotional desert of our fears, it can be difficult to learn anything new. As spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle have said, “We are always learning to love ourselves, our life and others. It is inevitable.”
The 12 Feelings
Fear
If you're afraid of something and want to get better at it but can't put your finger on what it is that you're afraid of then fear might be the emotion you're struggling with. Fear is a natural result of sleeping with a loaded shotgun under your pillow when you go to bed at night. It's about preparing for the worst possible outcome so that when it happens, you don't feel completely helpless. But the trouble with fear is that it can become a habit and any uncertainty in your life will feed it.
Fear is a habit that makes you feel powerless because there’s no way to guarantee what the future holds. Bad things happen through no fault of your own, almost randomly, and we feel out of control because we can't prepare for all possibilities.
Fear is about not being able to trust that it's going to be okay no matter what happens next. It's about believing that there's something lurking just around the corner—a hungry tiger, an exploding bomb or a dog ready to bite you on the ass—and you need to be prepared.
Fear can be about something that's legitimately dangerous or it might be related to something that’s not really in your control like the economy, the weather, war or politics. It could also be fear of change and how to deal with it because this is a tough one for all of us.
The trick is, when you’re afraid, you need to ask yourself what would happen if this fear actually happened? Of course we know where this can lead if we're not careful but we still let it get us down—it's like a good joke that few people get—and turn into a bad habit.
One of the biggest dangers with fear is that we never really get to a place where we don't feel it anymore. We believe that if we just avoid the things that scare us, then we'll be alright. The problem is, this can turn into an addiction to safety where you won't leave the house without your handgun or travel without your GPS and you're scared of everything: germs, lightening, being alone and so on.
The trick with fear is to know how to switch it off when it’s not helping but without getting too complacent, too—you want to enjoy life and all its unpredictability, not avoid everything that makes you feel anxious.
Anger
When you're angry, you're feeling anger but it’s usually because you can't stand what’s happening to you and your response might be more about protecting yourself than about actually addressing the issue. As a leader, it's about getting people to feel your anger so that they can see how negatively things are unfolding and join in. But as a follower, you need to let others feel your anger so that they can also learn how to manage their own for the benefit of everyone.
As leaders, we often try to get people "angry" about something or other so that they'll give up on something—a way of solving problems we don't want them to think about or do. We use our anger to maintain the status quo. Followers can also learn by getting angry—it’s a way of letting leaders know that something's not working and that they need to change their ways. As a leader, your anger is simply meant to show people that it's time for things to change, like a fire alarm. You can do as much damage when you're trying to get people angry as when you're trying to get them enthused about something.
Furious Leader: This guy is very hard to work for because he’s usually mad about something—he wants his team members to be angry, too! He gets his reward by being disgruntled and upset with everyone. Angry Follower: This person is mad about everything and is always pointing out the errors or shortcomings of others—he doesn't realize that his response is keeping him stuck. He gets his reward by being a perpetual victim—it helps him avoid feeling afraid and alone.
Anger isn't meant to be a punishment but rather a way of expressing feelings when things aren't working in your favor and you want to change it. It's an opportunity for change, not an end in itself.
Conclusion
Most leaders have some understanding of the dynamics of anger—it’s the most common emotion associated with leaders because it drives people to change. It's important to recognize that you're operating from a place of anger and this will give you an opportunity to move on—you want people who are angry about something to be just as passionate about changing things for the better as people who are happy.
You can learn how to manage your anger so that you don't let it get in your way or let others use it against you. The best thing about anger is that when it’s no longer useful, you can release it through forgiveness and love but also by being honest with yourself enough to know when it's not helpful.