The Most Powerful Word - No!
You've heard about assertion, the conflict resolution technique where you state your needs or opinions. You may also have heard about the power of the word "no."
The thing is, these techniques and words are not just playing games. They are actually very powerful in controlling and defusing an argument. A simple "no" can not only put a stop to an argument in its tracks, but it can also allow you to escape an angry tirade unscathed and with your dignity intact.
The "no" I'm talking about here is not a selfish or destructive "no." Nor is it an angry, hurtful one. It is assertive "no," an honest statement of your rights.
Many arguments are simply power struggles. One person wants to win and tries to control the other person. That's why a necessary condition for resolving conflict with another human being is that both parties must have equal rights: each party has the same opportunities and rights as the other; neither has more power than the other; there are no unjust structures that give one party privileges or special advantages over another.
If you aren't treated as an equal in your relationship, you won't win any arguments . . . and you won't maintain respect for the other person. If you have to give in all the time, or if you're treated unfairly--such as being told what you can and can't say, being coerced into saying things or doing things against your will, not having equal rights--then there's a power struggle going on, and one party is winning.
A very common situation is when one person uses accusations and blames and interrogations to try to control another person: "Why did you do this?" "Why didn't you get something done?" "You should have done such-and-such." And the classic: "If I were you . . . ."
All these kinds of statements are power struggles. They are attempts to win an argument by using emotional tactics and assertions of blame. They are attempts to force others to do what you want, or to suppress the rights of another. And they always lose.
When someone tries one of these tactics on you, how do you respond? Perhaps you deflect their accusations and try to reason with them--or perhaps you don't deal with the matter at all, but choose instead to ignore it, put it off, talk about something else. Perhaps you try to defend yourself, or reason with the other person, or have one of these kinds of confrontations with them.
None of these solutions is a good solution. Each one can confuse the issue and escalate the conflict. In all cases, you are being talked at and not listened to; you lose.
The power of assertion: "No!"
If you don't try to talk someone out of his accusations and interrogations (or just reject them), then maybe the best thing is simply: "No!" Take away the power from their accusations and demands by saying "no" in a firm way that shows that you mean it. It requires two elements: assertiveness and firmness.
Assertiveness ~~~ Firmness = "No!" It's that easy. And anyone who is assertive and firm can say "no" to accusations, interrogations, or demands made by someone else. It's a very simple formula.
When you have the right to say "no," it's just not that difficult to say it (perhaps with a little trepidation at first), and when you do, you get what you want. But there's more here than just saying "no." There are reasons why it works and why people actually respect those who can say "no." I'll talk about this in the next column.
KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER
~ An assertion is a simple statement of your rights and preferences. It is not an attack on someone else, but rather an honest expression of yourself. "No" is one of the most assertive words you can use. ~
~ When you say "no," you are refusing to be controlled, manipulated, or forced into doing something . . . or into saying something you don't want to say. ~
~ A power struggle occurs when there are unjust structures that give one party privileges or special advantages over another. ~
~ To win an argument, you must have equal rights; neither party has more power than the other. ~
~ The solution is the simple yet effective formula: Assertiveness + Firmness = "No!" ~
(This column is for entertainment only and does not necessarily apply to your situation, but that just goes to prove how much a little knowledge can do!) (This column is for entertainment only and does not necessarily apply to your situation, but that just goes to prove how much a little knowledge can do!)
Title: No! Revisited--Getting it Now?
POSTED BY: KATRINA MARTIN, Ph.D.
DATE: August 14, 2003
ARTICLE START
I'm going to update my column on the power of "no" again. The responses I've had have been overwhelming. Many people have told me that they really just didn't get it before, but now they do. Let me tell you why "no" is so powerful and why people respect those who can say it.
First, the power of an assertion: "no"
Assertiveness ~~~ Firmness = "No!" It's that easy. And anyone who is assertive and firm can say "no" to accusations, interrogations, or demands made by someone else. It's a very simple formula.
When you have the right to say "no," it's just not that difficult to say it (perhaps with a little trepidation at first), and when you do, you get what you want. But there's more here than just saying "no." There are reasons why it works and why people actually respect those who can say "no." I'll talk about this in the next column.
Why do people who say "no" stand out?
First, when someone says "no" to someone else's demands, it shows that they are assertive and firm. That person won't be pushed around. They clearly know their rights and they stick to them. They know what they want and they get that, too. What a refreshing change!
The second reason is that when you stand up for yourself like this, it makes the other person think about what he's trying to get you to do.
Conclusion:
"No" (assertiveness + firmness = "no") is the simplest and most powerful assertion of your rights and preferences.
It's true that you may get angry or frustrated by a person who tries to resist you using accusations, interrogations, or demands. But when you stand up for yourself like this, it makes the other person think about what he's trying to get you to do. And one thing he thinks about is whether his tactics are worth it. If he does have a problem with this person and needs to hold onto these tactics, then the other party may simply win no matter how much coercion or manipulation is involved.