Working At Home With An Uncooperative Spouse
It can be tough to work at home if you have a spouse who is unwilling to cooperate. It's important that both parties understand that the relationship will change as a result of one person working from home. Here are some tips for maintaining a healthy, happy marriage while living with someone who doesn't want you at their house all the time:
-Set specific tasks for completing work each day and stick to them
-Wait until your spouse is busy before doing any extensive cleaning or cooking after coming home, unless it's an emergency situation (e.g. the dog has thrown up or the baby is sick)
-Plan your day around your spouse's schedule, if possible; don't ask them to change their schedule around yours
-Don't talk on the phone or communicate with anyone online while they are watching TV
-Remember that you're married first; work comes second
-If you feel like working when your spouse wants to do something together, plan it so that the activity will take place outside or at a separate location from where you work (e.g. going for a walk in a park) instead of in the same place (e.g. the living room, kitchen, bedroom)
-Bargain with your spouse about what you both want to do the next day. Sometimes one of you will want to make an exception and work after all, but this should be a rare occurrence.
-Work at a time that is mutually convenient for everyone involved, not just the one who brings home the bacon. (I recommend starting work very early in the morning when your spouse is usually asleep and finishing up before they wake up. One of you can work, then the other can go back to bed for a few hours.)
-Give plenty of time for your spouse to get to work on time and completely rest each night, just like they do for you.
-Avoid giving your spouse excuses or reasons why not having the house cleaned/cooked/ready won't happen (e.g. "Because I like doing it myself and I'm too busy this week"). Your spouse is not obligated to play house with you or perform domestic duties for you; they have a right to want a separation even if doing so inconveniences you or hurts your feelings. If your spouse has a job that is more demanding than yours (e.g. they are an attorney who works long hours and travels to different locations), make sure that you take into consideration their level of commitment to the relationship.
-Do not take your spouse's lack of cooperation personally; it has nothing to do with how much you love them or that your spouse doesn't love you.
-When entering into a relationship, it is very important to spell out what is expected from both parties and adhere to those expectations no matter how much it hurts (i.e. If you want a marriage based on your shared values, then one of the biggest factors affecting this is whether or not one person will do all the housework). If you don't have an income or some other way to make a living, then your spouse should be working towards providing the things you enjoy.
-If your spouse is unwilling to cooperate, it may be that they are not happy in the relationship or that they have some deep-seated issues that prohibit them from making decisions for themselves. If so, it's important that you do not enter into a relationship with someone who does not value their freedom and independence.
-Don't worry about the state of your home if your spouse isn't there; sometimes it's better to leave a mess than to clean up after someone who doesn't want you there.
-Don't be afraid to make a lifestyle choice for yourself that is more conducive to a healthy and happy relationship (e.g. if you want someone to cook dinner for you, then don't date someone who doesn't like doing the dishes or heaping piles of laundry)
-When you are in an unhappy relationship, it's important to take care of yourself. Sometimes after a breakup, it may be tempting to disregard your own needs because you're so devastated by the break up and so focused on your partner. This is very unhealthy and will only prolong the grieving process. Make sure that you take care of yourself during a breakup. Make sure that you're always eating enough and getting enough sleep, because this will help you to feel better and stay active.
-Keep in mind that it's normal to gain weight after a breakup as a method of coping with the loss. If your problem is not severe, take comfort in the fact that it's temporary, and vow to start exercising or eating healthier once your grief has subsided (unless there is a medical reason why you can't).
-It may be hard for some people to understand why you're so upset about someone who didn't really love you or who wasn't really in love with you. You may feel that the people around you don't get it, but that's fine. These are your feelings and you're allowed to have them, even if no one else understands them.
-If either you or your former partner have a history of depression, this will make the grieving process a bit more difficult than someone who doesn't. If this is the case for you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people with depression (they can often recommend helpful exercises or techniques to help lift your mood).
-If it's easy enough for you to see an objective third party regarding your relationship in order to get their perspective on the situation (e.g. talking to a friend, talking to a divorce lawyer, talking to a friend of a friend who is a counselor), then consider doing so; sometimes it's hard to see something clearly while you're in the midst of it.
-It may be difficult during this time to remember all the reasons why you got into the relationship in the first place, but if you are willing and able, go back through your old journals and e-mails and look for positive things about your partner. Try to recollect all the reasons why you decided to enter into that relationship. Remind yourself of what it was like when everything was going well. This will help remind you why you were initially happy with them and also make some sense out of your loss.
Conclusion
It's important to remember that this is a difficult time. No matter how upset you are, try not to pick up that glass and throw it against the wall or kick off your shoes when you're just walking down the street.
If you are thinking of ending the relationship, make sure to get all of your facts straight before doing so. You need to be sure that you have thought things through clearly and that there are no unforeseen problems ahead.