Learning to say no and setting boundaries
If your feelings of stress and overwhelm are constantly escalating, it's time to take action. How about learning to say no and setting boundaries? These strategies may sound difficult at first, but we'll show you how to implement these changes in your life without feeling overwhelmed or like a failure.
With the help of this blog post, you can learn how to:
Determine what sharing responsibilities appropriately looks like for you
Create a limit-setting plan that allows for self-care
Learn better ways of communicating your needs without guilt or resentment.
More than anything, we want to offer you support throughout this process of learning how to set boundaries.
Feelings of self-doubt and futility are common and it's easy to feel like an overbearing martyr when we feel so responsible to others. We promise—this doesn't have to be that way!
Find the Support You Need
Asking for help is hard but you can get the support you need by:
Getting a second opinion from a trusted friend or colleague who understands your situation (this is often more powerful than advice from loved ones). They can help keep you accountable and remind you that there are other ways to accomplish tasks besides doing it all yourself. By sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, you can work through your feelings of resentment or frustration.
Graph your feelings of stress, anxiety and overwhelm over time to see if there are any trends to help you recognize the times when you need to be more assertive about setting boundaries. Understanding the cycles in which you need attention is key to making a change.
Remember that technology makes it easy for us to be available 24/7 but there are still limits on how much we can do in a day. Consider logging off from social media and email when you need a break from constant connectivity.
Set Boundaries with Others Using Action-Oriented Language
Saying no and setting boundaries sounds easy in theory but it takes practice and patience to convince others that you really mean it. Our standard response to requests and invitations is often a reflexive "yes" before realizing how we feel about the request. When you stop to consider your limits, don't just say "no." Give specific reasons for your answer, such as: I can only do one activity tonight because I already have plans with a friend tomorrow night. Or: I can't make it to your party next weekend because I'm going on vacation next week. Or: I would love to meet up with you for coffee but I'm swamped with work and this isn't a good time for me.
Use the following statements as a guide to help you approach your loved ones with specific requests that will make it easier for them to understand your limits: I need some time for myself right now. It's important that everyone understands that you're in charge of your own choices and actions, not anyone else. I need more help around the house. Don't take it personally if your loved ones are resistant at first – they might feel like they're losing their "best" friend. I need to make some changes at home. Don't be afraid to get assertive about what you need. I need to make a change at work. If you work in a fast-paced environment, it can be hard to make time for yourself when your boss expects you to respond to emails within an hour and comes looking for answers when a project isn't completed as expected. I'm starting therapy and it's important that you understand that this is my priority right now. If you truly make setting boundaries a priority, it won't come across as selfish. I'm starting self-care and it's important that you understand this is important to me. By setting boundaries like this, no one will question your commitment to your own health.
Q: What are some ways that you've found help you to set boundaries?
A: We want to support you and not just give you more advice. Please share your thoughts, feelings and questions in the comments below!
Overwhelmed at work, at home or both? Tired of feeling like an overburdened martyr? Learn how to say no and start setting boundaries today.
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Feelings of self-doubt and futility are common and it's easy to feel like an overbearing martyr when we feel so responsible to others. We promise—this doesn't have to be that way!
Find the Support You Need
Asking for help is hard but you can get the support you need by: Getting a second opinion from a trusted friend or colleague who understands your situation (this is often more powerful than advice from loved ones). They can help keep you accountable and remind you that there are other ways to accomplish tasks besides doing it all yourself. By sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, you can work through your feelings of resentment or frustration.
Graph your feelings of stress, anxiety and overwhelm over time to see if there are any trends to help you recognize the times when you need to be more assertive about setting boundaries. Understanding the cycles in which you need attention is key to making a change. Work on building your support system throughout the year and during times of transition (new job, new baby, moving home, etc.).
Graph Your Stress & Overwhelm & Use Action-Oriented Language
Emotions can run high when we're overwhelmed. It's important that you let others know how much you're feeling so they can provide support without offending or dismissing your feelings. Don't just say "I'm stressed." Be specific about your feelings and use action-oriented language when you're feeling overwhelmed. For example: "I need more help around the house. I'm feeling overwhelmed because I've been taking care of everything by myself for so long." Or: "I need to make some changes at home. This week has been really stressful because of all the things on my plate and I don't want to take it out on my kids."
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This blog is for informational purposes only and was not written or reviewed by a clinician. It is supported by a grant from the International Self-Determination Identity Foundation. Terms of Use: http://www.istif.org/terms_of_use
*This article was originally published in the Self-Determination Identity Foundation Newsletter .
Q: What are some ways that you've found help you to set boundaries?
A: We want to support you and not just give you more advice. Please share your thoughts, feelings and questions in the comments below!
Overwhelmed at work, at home or both? Tired of feeling like an overburdened martyr? Learn how to say no and start setting boundaries today.
Conclusion
There are no easy answers when it comes to setting boundaries. As we've discussed throughout this blog, we can't always achieve balance in our lives by making a trade-off. Sometimes, juggling the right amount of family time and personal time isn't possible so it's important that we are able to set boundaries with our loved ones in order to have healthy relationships as they grow older. If you struggle with self-doubt and worry that you're not being a good partner or parent, remember that you're not alone.